It is tough enough at the best of times to decide what you want to do in life. Whilst it is true that trying make decisions about your life at 16 when you are choosing A level subjects is hard, I'm not sure it really gets any easier the older that you get. These days I feel like there are so many things that I could be doing, and so many cool jobs around that trying to think about sensible things like career progression is tying myself down to only one option.
Looking at work through the lens of motherhood makes things even stranger. I don't think I could love my new job as a Mum much more, and I know that I am very lucky to feel that way about it. But it does also cast a shadow on my work life up to now and where that might go next.
Unhelpfully I seem to be surrounded by people (note: mainly childless people) referring to my maternity leave as a 'holiday'. My best friend calls it my 'baby holiday' and is constantly moaning that I'm off doing baby yoga, coffee mornings, nursery drop ins and afternoons in the park while she is at her desk. I've tried to gently explain that yes, it is fun doing all these things, but my new job has very crazy hours (24/7) compared to my last and there are a lot more baby sick/nappy/washing/random screaming incidents involved than any other job I've ever done. But for overall job satisfaction, motherhood gives me more than anything else ever has.
And so now I look at my job and wonder, do I want to go back? On the most basic level the idea of doing something so structured, 9-5, meetings, overtime, spreadsheets, more meetings, just seems a million miles away from how things are now. I imagine motherhood on those terms - turning up at my 'desk'/the cot at a certain time each morning, meetings to discuss just how much dribble one child can get all over their clothes, overtime needed in order to make a few more quick meals to freeze ahead - and it makes me laugh.
In addition to all of this there is an extra element which I realise is totally personal to me when thinking about what I want to do - I don't really like the job that I would go back to. I'm passionate about what I do, I work hard at it and it makes me proud to be part of the team that I work with, but deep down it doesn't suit me. I wish that it did, but in reality having some distance from it could be just the push I need in a different direction.
And so my thoughts turn to what direction that might be. Again I am filled with excitement at all the options out there, all the things I've thought about trying, all the jobs that I come into contact with every day I think 'I could do that', 'I'd love to do that', 'What a cool job' and my mind starts whirring with plans, thoughts, ideas.
But this time I know that it needs to be worth it. And I know that I might decide that no job is worth it. Time that I invest in work is time that I invest away from my child and I'm acutely aware that I no longer want to fritter my work life away, wasting time I could be spending at my new job, watching my little one grow up a little more everyday. But at the same time I want him to look at me and his Dad and see that we do good jobs, that we work hard, that we love what we do, and I feel a responsibility to set an example in a way that I never did before.
I keep coming back to the fact that I would like to do something creative, crafty, a little cottage industry that I could fit in around motherhood. I don't hanker for the office, for a space outside my home where I don't have to be a Mum, but I do want to have a little space for myself and something to call my own.
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